|No longer petitioning. Just affirming.
||[Dec. 30th, 2006|08:31 pm]
Who really fucking knows if 'love conquers all'. All I know, from experience, is that hate [as seemingly bitter as I may be toward, well, everybody], should be saved for those who truly deserve it. People who fuck up because of their own problems, people who hurt you unintentionally, people set to destroy theirselves, causing your destruction from it, people searching and learning, lying and mistaking, crying and dying, and just...wondering, do not deserve it. The hardest part sometimes, for me at least, is wondering what is going on in their heads. Wondering how they are taking the same situation you're taking, wondering if they're wondering how you're taking it. Always wondering what they truly think of you, never having the guts to ask them. It's hard to 'not know'. Especially things that need to be known in order for you to continue living a satisfactory life. It's also hard to be given the cold shoulder, when you try to forgive, and when you try to love. Those things drive you away, tell you to maintain your distance and 'be smart'. Go with your head, and not your heart. I've held to this ever since my first heartbreak in 9th grade- but I know now that you need a balance. |
Sometimes I want to go fullspeed, say fuck you to my brain, act on impulse and digest all the emotions in my heart, let them storm throughout me, let them guide me, let them make me whole. I feel more alive. I feel more raw, and more truthful [pretending there lies no truth in my brain]. Other times, the memory kicks in. I remember 'what happened last time' when I relied solely on my heart, and what became of me/it. I think, as fun and adventurous as it is to act upon obsession, infatuation, anger, and passion- it's important not to underestimate the efficacy of a fresh skull, or even of a beaten one, and heed the code of advice that travels throughout your brain to your heart- realize where it is initially coming from. Realize that there is a powerful relationship between the both of them, and maintain the balance and mutuality of it. It's hard for me to accept advice from anyone- I don't like hearing it, and I like discovering things for myself. That includes my own advice. I let other people's intentions and actions drive me, rather than my own blood-embedded convictions. I underestimate myself constantly, and forget that I still have a 'self' to rely on. I let others become my entire existence.
And this, of course, is what leads to such hostility. While I deserve to be mad at them for what they have done to me, it is entirely my own self that is dealing with it- and for the way I choose to do so, I must blame myself. And after the blaming and some senseless contemplations of self-affliction, I just shut the fuck up inside, sit quitely, feel, and accept. Accept all the wisdom coming into me, flowing throughout me, giving me all sorts of solutions and ideas. God? Who fucking knows. Quite frankly who fucking cares. I don't. I just know that there's more to me than I like to accept, and it's what is compelling me to write about this right now.
It's important for me to not lie to myself during situations like these. To not pretend that I'm in anymore pain that I am, or in any less pain, for that matter. To not make excuses, to not change the subject, to not pretend to be happy, and most importantly, not pretend to not care. Pretension is harmful, and truth, while initially discomforting, can be lifesaving. Take the pain like a man, take it will full heart, give it your undivided attention and don't only accept it, embrace it. See it for what it is, and what it's doing to you. Pry its palms open and memorize its tools, scrutinize its schemes, determine every fucking element of it. Fucking marry it. Then, divorce. Don't lie to yourself to temporarly perk a sighing smile. No "eh's". Just "mm's". Acknowledge the pain, and know exactly where it's hitting you. The worst element of hearbreak is confusion, for me. If I can get through the confusion, I can get through the rest of it. Know where it's hitting you, and then work with it, fight it, wrestle it. Claim it as on you, but not in you. Claim it as something that can and will be defeated, and get creative in ways of accomplishing so. Know your strength versus its. Know that yours is always, always greater. Fucking, I can't stress enough how important it is to be honest with yourself during these situations. It's fucking insane to realize who the real enemy is- most of the time it being yourself. The 'heartreaker' has performed their actions for their own innocent reasons, hardly ever for yours. And knowing that I have my own, knowing that only I can extricate myself from this, I must face...well...myself. Unfortunately I'm beginning to sound like that clucking cur, Dr. Phil. It's cliche but it's fucking genuine to the core.
And let's just be honest. The few people I claim to 'hate' in my life, I love. I love with all my heart. And I would be ruined [metaphorically] if they were to perish. Life's too short, yeah yeah. Even if life were eternal, there's no point in wasting your time holding them in contempt, swearing to yourself you'll never forgive them and developing new reasons every day for why they deserve such contempt. I will never forget anything. And I will never stop thinking about anything. Far too much emotion within me, and while I can claim to hate it, I know in truth that I love it, and that I love them. I've sure as fucking hell done my share of hurtful things to people, and if they can forgive me, why can't I forgive anyone else? I guess this is all rational thought that comes to people every day. Perhaps I should have heeded this before. I was too clouded with junk. Too distraught. It's hard enough to even be able to write in this thing anymore.
I don't know where I am going in life, who I am going with...I'll probably end up with myself in the end, and that is something I can choose to love or hate. And while the thought of it disturbs me now, I know I will be grateful for the strength I have endowed myself with later on. Hell, I already am.
A few friendships I've had this past year or two or three have gone awry, or have even just completely perished. These friendships still lie within the heart of me, and I'll hold thankful to everything I've learned from them, everything they've taught me, all the ways by which they have shaped me and illuminated me. And everything they've ever meant to me- even at one second in time, in the most microscopic ways. I tell myself they've destroyed me- but they've, of course, built me. To something more beautiful than I could have imagined. It sucks not being able to even speak with them anymore. I pray that it won't remain this way. I pray we'll be able to teach and learn from each other, and most importanly confide in each other again. Or hey, even just talk, about anything. I know they think of me at times, they know I think of them. I am glad we at least have this connection. Some things don't even need to be said. But for the sake of assurance, I'm saying them right now anyways.
I am glad to know that as indignant as I am usually, I raised myself in love. Love may not conquer all for everybody. But it does for me.
This is not some bullshit new years testimony. The only thing I do for new years is masturbate violently from 11 PM to 12 AM [family tradition]. This is just me dwelling in all my faggotry. And loving it. For the first time in a while, I am smiling, you know.